I was reminded this morning that I am in the midst of a grand reorganization in my life. Moving things around. Getting rid of things I thought I needed but turns out I didn't. All day I have been covering this ground in my mental path. Turns out you never know what will be a thing of the past.
In line with this I want to bring to your attention a book written by a talented writer friend of mine named Claire Bidwell Smith. It will be on the market in a week or two. Here is the book trailer on Youtube. Perhaps soon I'll be sharing a story about my life in recent time and how it relates to Claire's story.
I frigging love this guy. Such bravery. Such gumption. Covering our bodies seems so engrained in modern culture it is smothering to me. We need more of this. This guy walks the streets of Barcelona stark naked. It's legal and he's strong enough that the wary and delighted eyes of passerby do not ward him off from this behavior. Seriously a guy I would like to meet.
What do you do when a friend betrays you? It hurts. It causes everything else to go wonky and weird. I have been betrayed many times in my life. I'd think I'd get used to it. But I still remain amazed at how long it takes me to recover every time. Maybe next time will be easier.
I have been hurting myself continuously since I was a boy. Perhaps it is messed up but I kind of see injuries as validation that you are doing things right. Now sure I know that you don't want to get too hurt. After all if you are too hurt you can't have any fun at all. But there seems to be a correlation between minor injury and pushing oneself to be better. Perhaps that is me justifying my clumsiness in order to make myself feel less "bad" about hurting myself. Whatever the case I have kept a weekly injury since I was about 8 years old.
Right foot mangled. Two toes possibly broken. Jammed entire foot. Bruising. Soreness. Using crutches as the swelling is bad enough that I can't really put weight down on it. Am encouraged by the rate of healing. Have been concentrating on stretching the foot and placing weight on it. Results positive. 4 days into this and I feel confident the worst is over. This reminds of the two times before I have broken my big toes but it's much easier.
Right thumb still tweaked. Much better than last weak but still weak and painful at junctures. Good news is the left thumb has finally healed from the dislocation last month and feels as strong as ever.
Toe on left foot still recovering. Good but slow progress.
Same with middle finger left hand.
Am kind of bummed at present as my right foot injury precludes play. But am happy I get this time to rest and heal up. As always I'll be back for more later. I never seem to stop.
Today has been really tough. I have been tangentially involved in several different disputes in several different communities recently. I'm not really involved in any of it except that I know those involved. It's like a big emotional confrontation takes place and I am stuck in the room unable to excuse myself. For the first time in many years I thought seriously about moving away.
I know that is a stupid response. But I am just so tired of the emotional conflicts. I am so tired of not having a soul to share with. I am so tired of feeling as though none of this is for me.
I know the path forward involves being true to myself. It involves really embracing my strengths and totally accepting my faults. All of which is hard. Really truly hard.
I really hope she gets better soon. The fact that I am injured right now doesn't help. I just looking forward to months of things breaking against me finally let's up for a bit.
And right I know none of this makes sense. This is another thing I have been struggling with. When the cops showed up it changed everything for me. And in all of this I miss her.
Saturday evening I spun my wheel at YogaGlo as part of an event organized by Josh Brill to raise money to teach in Israel and Palestine how to teach yoga. An admirable cause, I was honored to be asked to be involved in the night. It turned out to be life changing.
Due to space constraints it was never going to be the case that I had anything other than a slight role in the evening. I was to spin a bit before the event to give some visual direction for those arriving to the event. Normally the space at YogaGlo is a beautiful spreading of wonderful wood floor that would allow me to spin with great abandon. But that evening between the band set up, the kneeling carpets for guests, and guests occasionally walking into my circle the spin was diminished and awkward. I wasn't concerned though as the event was important and the vibe was healthy and strong.
But then, and here's the life changing aspect of this, I fell into a groove with band and felt everything change. Josh's band was in sound check and jammed a song about freedom, aren't they all, when it happened. A surge in the drums, a recognition in my bones, and suddenly I was spinning in concert with the band. For a split moment as I my face spun around to the stage where they played I saw the entire band looking at me as I looked at them. All of us with smiles on our faces. I don't know how many measures it lasted. It couldn't have been very long as a woman walked into my circle and I stopped the wheel. But for those measures my spinning became somehow more than I am capable. I was stronger. My timing more precise. My confidence in handling the wheel increased demonstrably. It was a sheer joy.
There were so many highlights to that special evening. So much tremendous music. So many wonderful people I met. I couldn't begin to tell it all. Josh and his friends made quite the impression. Experiencing tabla for the first time was a divine experience in itself. But the take away for me more than anything is that I want very much to explore further spinning to a band and seeking that connection again. Namaste.
When Kassia was born I wasn't ready for being a parent. To this day I still am not. All compromises all the time. What I see is what I have been unable to do. I have a hard enough time taking care of myself.