How I Tried to Kill Myself (And Live to Tell)

I woke in a ditch covered in my vomit.  My head hurt and the sun was just glassing over the night in the east above the Sandia mountains.  At first I wasn't clear on why I was in this position.  The vomit stank. I puked. I turned over and knocked a bottle against my arm.

I staggered home while it was still dark shedding my clothes as I walked.  Crawled back into my room in my underwear through the open window and struggled to cleanse myself of the dirt and stink without waking the house. 

Years later I would marry a beautiful girl who had tried to kill herself 3 times before our paths crossed.  For years we had traveled in the same circles neither of us ever meeting each other or ever knowing of the other.  It was like we both orbited directly across from each other.  Only able to see the blinding sun between us.

She told me that I gave her her first orgasm.  She was raped in a stairwell when we first began to date.  I never knew until our marriage had imploded.  She told me that as he pushed into her into the wall he hurt her and she came in great urgency.  I can feel that wall as I write this.

We danced to the Happy Mondays Bob's Yer Uncle when our relationship was young.  She rode my cock to that song as though she were Sunny Garcia surfing down a steep tube.   We danced, laughed, and screamed
"He's gonna step on you again man he's gonna step on you!" as we came. There was a stain on the wall that I remember; I want that to be where he fucked her, in silence.  Her cries stifled.

When I decided to kill myself it was late at night.   I was 14.  I was watching NightLine.  The story was about a national convention of suicide doctors.  My dad and I did not get along.  He came home from Vietnam a stranger and although we walked in the same house we did not introduced until I was in my 20's.  When he walked in and screamed at me and the tv that night I snapped inside.  After it was quiet in the house I stopped crying.

When she went after me with the knife I moved my arm without a thought and knocked it from her hands.  Afterwards when she screamed at me that I was dirty little faggot and that I would surely die before God would allow me to spoil my child I fell into an asthma attack and lay there helpless on my back.  She is a great rending wound in my eye.  When I look that way pain takes my breath even now.

For months I went in and out of the hospital with a mysterious illness.  Some sort of unidentified virus ravaged my system.  My ears were ravished and from my swoon I often could not walk.  I spent weeks in wheelchairs finding myself a stranger in my school and a novelty among my friends.  I never stopped doubting that I somehow was making this happen.  I began to mistrust my mind, my instincts.  School was never the same after that.

When the police came to take her away it took several hours to talk her down out of her delusions but in the end she shed her clothes, her wild unbrushed mane sticking straight into the air, screaming and running through the apartment while our daughter sat on the couch and watched and I listened through the phone.  As we sat on the concrete patio at the neuro-psychiatric ward several weeks later she told me she was unhappy.  She said she loved me and wanted us to try again.  I said no.

Comments

[xian]

strong stuff. better for us all that you can write about it so lucidly.

thanks for that and all your other frank communiqés.

[leevelande]

i hate myself i want to die can you please tell me how to kill myself

[Max]

What is this fucking world going to? Death, destruction, poverty and other kinds of shitt. Especially my life, one big lie, nothing works, I can't do anything right, lots of people are on my back, I wanna kill them, get out of this mess and finally myself. I don't wanna live here anymore. I'm thinking of going abroad to kill myself so nobody will recognize me and hopefully nobody I know will find out. Anyone got ideas?

[Danielle]

I reallies wanna to kill myself because I have lots of family problem. I don't know how to tell my friend how I feel. I not wanna to live this shitty world. I feel so depressed almost everyday and my school was pull it down to become fail. I not reallies wanna to hurt myself because there is not slove those problem. I cannot tell my friend that I reallies wanna to hurt my arms. Well I just not know how to tell my friend how i feel about myself and I have reallies low self-esteem.
Danielle

[Morrison]

I have a relativly good life. I just can't handle the fact that no one cares about my well being anymore. I dont think that I could ever be loved because I am so easily taken advantage of.I hope someone sees this and derives hope that you dont have to have a hellbent life to feel suicidal.

[ramon]

i wanna kill my self like most of, i already tried so close to being succsesful know i have to convince everybody im alright

wats the point of life were all gonna die wats so importent about me nobody cares
theres so many things wrong with this world hell is proubly better

[Francesco Bellafante]

I am trying to figure out who wrote (and contact) this... Any help is greatly appreciated.

How I Tried to Kill Myself (And Live to Tell)
I woke in a ditch covered in my vomit. My head hurt and the sun was just glassing over the night in the east above the Sandia mountains. At first I wasn't clear on why I was in this position. The vomit stank. I puked. I turned over and knocked a bottle against my arm.

I staggered home while it was still dark shedding my clothes as I walked. Crawled back into my room in my underwear through the open window and struggled to cleanse myself of the dirt and stink without waking the house.

Years later I would marry a beautiful girl who had tried to kill herself 3 times before our paths crossed. For years we had traveled in the same circles neither of us ever meeting each other or ever knowing of the other. It was like we both orbited directly across from each other. Only able to see the blinding sun between us.

She told me that I gave her her first orgasm. She was raped in a stairwell when we first began to date. I never knew until our marriage had imploded. She told me that as he pushed into her into the wall he hurt her and she came in great urgency. I can feel that wall as I write this.

We danced to the Happy Mondays Bob's Yer Uncle when our relationship was young. She rode my cock to that song as though she were Sunny Garcia surfing down a steep tube. We danced, laughed, and screamed
"He's gonna step on you again man he's gonna step on you!" as we came. There was a stain on the wall that I remember; I want that to be where he fucked her, in silence. Her cries stifled.

When I decided to kill myself it was late at night. I was 14. I was watching NightLine. The story was about a national convention of suicide doctors. My dad and I did not get along. He came home from Vietnam a stranger and although we walked in the same house we did not introduced until I was in my 20's. When he walked in and screamed at me and the tv that night I snapped inside. After it was quiet in the house I stopped crying.

When she went after me with the knife I moved my arm without a thought and knocked it from her hands. Afterwards when she screamed at me that I was dirty little faggot and that I would surely die before God would allow me to spoil my child I fell into an asthma attack and lay there helpless on my back. She is a great rending wound in my eye. When I look that way pain takes my breath even now.

For months I went in and out of the hospital with a mysterious illness. Some sort of unidentified virus ravaged my system. My ears were ravished and from my swoon I often could not walk. I spent weeks in wheelchairs finding myself a stranger in my school and a novelty among my friends. I never stopped doubting that I somehow was making this happen. I began to mistrust my mind, my instincts. School was never the same after that.

When the police came to take her away it took several hours to talk her down out of her delusions but in the end she shed her clothes, her wild unbrushed mane sticking straight into the air, screaming and running through the apartment while our daughter sat on the couch and watched and I listened through the phone. As we sat on the concrete patio at the neuro-psychiatric ward several weeks later she told me she was unhappy. She said she loved me and wanted us to try again. I said no.

[who cares]

men are shit. my dad's shit to me and hits me when im with him. he stifles me with how strict he is and he loves to run my life for me. someone i trusted raped me n when i told a friend he didnt believe me. my brother makes me cry and the man i love doesnt see how sad i am. i thought i could be strong and prove everyone wrong. talk about my story and come a long way and all that fucking bullshit. but no. im done. im tired. this is it.

[Deana Thompson]

I have tried to kill myself many times throughout my life. The last and worse time was about 3 months ago. My husband was leaving me and I could tell. He was out every night with another woman and I couldnt take it anymore. I cried and then calmly walked into the bathroom of our rental house and looked into the mirror. Grabbed the shaver I had and broke it apart taking one of the little blades and as fast and as hard as I could I brought it down upon my right wrist. I saw viens and blood and the meat tissue. I froze grabbed my arm to stop the bleeding and ran out of the bathroom my sister in law and her friend were at my house and I had them help me dress ( I was in a towel) and had them rush me to the ER where the doctors and everyone treated me so horribly and all I thought about was never being able to see my mans face again or hear his voice and now everyday I wish I had killed myself because hes still not here I still hurt everyday and I still want to die die and die some more

[Lori]

Everyone is being so negative here. It's making me feel hopeless, and I am not really. Yeah, this time last year I tried to kill myself, not just once. I did it once. It did not work. I took it farther. I took it farther again. Spent several days in the ICU. Then to the psych ward for a week. A week later, back to another psych ward for 2 weeks. I have scars all over my arms that will never heal. People ask about them. I still do not know how to respond. Some idiot told me they looked like railroad tracks once. They will always be there. They are so noticable and suspicious that most people pretend they do not exist and are more afraid then anything. If you are reading this, you might just be thinking that you could care less and what you are going through is different. I can't say that I know what any of you are going through, but I have been through all the suicide crap. Actually attempting it opens a whole lot more of crap that you will have to do that you do not want to do. I realize now that it would have been so much easier to just be honest with people around me. I can't stop anyone from doing anything, but from going through all the suicide crap and psych ward shit, I know that things can change quickly. My life is totally different from what it was a year ago. Moments and thoughts are so fleeting. You could be a different person in a month. The depression and suicidal thoughts still hit me occasionally, but I won't let them take me again. That's all I have to say. Go ahead and rip it to shreds or whatever, but if anyone wants to talk, I'm open to it. Email me.

[Jennifer]

I tried killing myself at 16 years old and 17 years old! Almost worked til my friend found me nearly dead 2 days after trying to kill myself! I was put in a hospital for 3 months that to me was worse than suicide! I am 31 now with three children i am the Woman of all trades! Everyone in my house needs me! But when the day is done I need someone I need love and attention too! I have barely any family no support system I am so lonely and think about killing myself agian! I thought this was out of my system I guess not! But what stops me is my children I love them dearly and so dedicated to them! How can I stop this feeling! Please help! please! I raised myself i left my parents at an early age I always helped myself now I do need someone to help me !

[Jennifer]

I tried killing myself at 16 years old and 17 years old! Almost worked til my friend found me nearly dead 2 days after trying to kill myself! I was put in a hospital for 3 months that to me was worse than suicide! I am 31 now with three children i am the Woman of all trades! Everyone in my house needs me! But when the day is done I need someone I need love and attention too! I have barely any family no support system I am so lonely and think about killing myself agian! I thought this was out of my system I guess not! But what stops me is my children I love them dearly and so dedicated to them! How can I stop this feeling! Please help! please! I raised myself i left my parents at an early age I always helped myself now I do need someone to help me !

[sophie]

i am 13 and i havebt got 1 thing in my life 2 b happy about some one please tell mi how to kill miself i realli want to shoot myself but i live in england and theres no way ild ever get a gun but i dunnowot to do someone please help me

[Lizzi]

i wan2 kill myself, but the farthest iv gotten was just cutting my wrist. i wan2 die slowly, so i tried just not eating. that didnt work as well as i thought it wud. on my left arm, i hav exactly 33 cuts, from scabs 2 scars to rele deep, fresh cuts. i cant stop. but the 34th cut is going away. im adopted, my foster parents r jewish. im ashmed of them. i carved a Nazi sign deep in my skin. during the summer, i didnt want ne one 2 see my cuts wen i wore short sleaves, so i cut up my legs. please give me a better way 2 hurt myself so ppl wont nitice!!

[thea]

I hate my life i don't know how to kill myself i need somone to help me kill myself

[thea]

I hate myself. my life is ruined. see my mom is having a baby and i am going to kill myself after the baby is born. i dont really know how to kill myself but i know i will do it someday. i thought that i can kill myself by injecting poision into my skin because their is less pain to deal with. i just cant wait to be dead. but i dont know how to get the poision for my death. HELP ME PLEASE!

[moriah]

I am sitting here thinking of all the ways, what would work...I think the bridge...how would I get to the top?..wrist..already tried, unsucessful...tying myself down in a bathtub and running water...taking all my three months worht of psch meds...i have a great family but Its me that needs to be gone. any good ideas on something that really works? I guess we wouldnt be alive to share it if we really knew

[Frank]

I first thought about killing myself way back when I was 12. I've just been waiting for my life to become too terrible to stand. Today was the breaking point. I am going to shoot myself in the head.

[tammy]

If you are thinking about killing yourself please remember that things will get better. Most of you are so young. When you are 12 and 13...etc it is a very trying time in your life so your frustration is valid, however it's no time to die. TIME IS ON YOUR SIDE. You will make a difference in your life and in so many others lives by living through this anxiety and pain you are experiencing. Before I had a child I always swore that the hardest thing I ever had to do was make it til I was 18 years old. Teenage years are so confusing. Parents and teachers are wearing you down with their rules, which all seem to point in different directions. Your friends are pressuring you to be like them so they can validate who they are. Society is telling you you are the future and that if you don't get good grades or a good job or make a certain amount of money, or believe in thier god in their way, or look they way they want, dress the way they want, act the way they want then you'll be a looser the rest of your life. DON'T LISTEN...but listen. You're parents love you, for the most part, and are doing the best they can based on their experience. Even my mother who beat me everyday in a drunken rage for years was doing the best she could with what she had. I made a vow that all I had to do was make it til I was old enough to leave. I left. I tried going to college...it didn't work for me. I have gotten job after job and put food on my table... but it's MY TABLE now in my house with my rules. I am a success. I am ashamed of how many jobs I've had, I'm upset I don't make more money for my son. I've had so many failed relationships it's not even funny...but through it all I know that God as I understand it loves me entirely and is proud of my spiritual and emotional progress and that's what counts. I quit drugs and alcahol 4 years ago. I wake up everyday and try to be the best I can be. Sometimes, a lot of times I screw up. I'm bipolar. I'm human. It's my genetic makeup. Overall I'm proud of myself. When I started reading this thread I wanted to die because I am about to loose a really good job because of my poor attendance and I will have to start all over again, but I realized something which I have to thank you all for. It's just a JOB. I'm an important person and a successful person who is important to my son, my husband and God. Those are the things that matter. Jobs, I can get another one even if I make less money. Rental homes, I can find another one. Friends/bosses/co-workers, I'll make more. Vehicles, I can catch the bus until I can afford one. I am proud of me and I think I'll live today. I think I'll count the successes vs. the failures and ignore what the unimportant people say, which is most people by the way. I hope you'll do the same. I hope you'll remember that there's always the next day, next year, next decade where life is going to change immensly and whether you're a great success or a great failure is only based on your definition. NOONE elses! Please live another day for you have all touched my life and I love you.

Tammy

[emma]

I hate myself so much and have tried to kill myself on a number of times but none of them seem to work im just not trying hard enough i first tried to kill myself 2years a go when i was 12 after being sexually abused for a number of years by my stepdad ever since then i have hated life and everything has got worse and i think it will be better when im gone i cant tell any1 so its just me myself and i who knows wat im going through and im going to keep it that way
IM GOING TO KILL MYSELF LATER TONIGHT
GOOD BYE CRUL WORLD

[lilu]

im 13 years old. im in love with this boy. i ahve been for almost a year now. ive never ever ever felt this way about someone. and i cant have him
because i fucking hurt him. yepp all my fault becaus eh found out i cut. how fucking stupid am i ? a 13 yera old girl wwho just turned 13 three days before we broke up. wow. im a freak! i hate myself. i reallyyyy really hate myself. none of myfriends seem to relize how much he means to me. are they fuckig retarted? no they just dont klnow what love is. i've tried to kill myself over 8 times. all differant ways. i tired drownding myself. i tried over dosing and i've tried suffocating myself. i tried hanging my self by i didnt understand what to do. so i quit. i've cut since i was in the 6th grade and i cuttning my arms wrists legs everything i could. my parents one day saw my wrists and were shocked.they called a behavioral clinic. i went ther at 8 every night for about a month. and i had to "talk about my problems" but that shit didnt really worrk because the only people who were there were drunks and stuff. so i didnt get much out of the program. then my mom relized it wasnt helping ebcause i was still cutting. so then i went ot a differant school three weekks before school ended,then the day i was supposed to go bakc to school. i tried overdosing i got sent to a hospitol and lived there for week. it ws horrible, dont try and hurt your self please. its not worth it. i swear! if anyone needs anyone to talk to please email me dont kill your self i guarentee theres somthing to look forward to.<3

[Kristy]

i want to kill myself. my husband left me last year and divorced me this year and took my kids away from me because i have depression and sometimes i go into the hospital for help. now i can't go back to the hospital ever again or i won't see my kids again. so when i kill myself i have to do it all the way. if i make a mistake i will have to live with tremendous pain of not seeing my kids. i would rather be dead. he told his family, they used to be my family, that he "hopes i don't screw them (the kids) up". his family completely stopped talking to me as soon as he left me last year. if anyone knows a sure way to committ suicide please tell me. i will try anything if i know it will work all the way.

[amy]

do sleeping pills really work to kill yourself? which ones are the best?

[emily]

A friend needed!!!!

I feel so incredibly alone, and am surrounded by people who do not understand, i do feel as perhaps most people on this site do, that there is no hope and no way for a better life. I would love to have a friend who feels that death is the only way out of the awful situations that have occured through out there life, as i feel like this, perhaps a friendship with someone who has a better understanding will help, i ask anyone who visits this site, a friend is needed, and if you also need a friend, to listen and who also could listen to me, then please post a comment and we can swap details. I do not want to feel sorry for myslef anymore, i do believe that i have the right to be happy, and so do you, i think help is needed, but not no Councillor, somebody who understands. I do have many friends, but i feel they do not know me as im sure you would also say your friends do not really know you, if i was to say to a friend or family memeber that i am suicidal they would laugh in disbelief. I hope i am not alone. I hope that someone upon reading this will post a comment and be my suicidal friend lol.

[chino]

fuck all of you retarded fools, life is beautiful, learn to deal with the amazing pain