How I Tried to Kill Myself (And Live to Tell)

I woke in a ditch covered in my vomit.  My head hurt and the sun was just glassing over the night in the east above the Sandia mountains.  At first I wasn't clear on why I was in this position.  The vomit stank. I puked. I turned over and knocked a bottle against my arm.

I staggered home while it was still dark shedding my clothes as I walked.  Crawled back into my room in my underwear through the open window and struggled to cleanse myself of the dirt and stink without waking the house. 

Years later I would marry a beautiful girl who had tried to kill herself 3 times before our paths crossed.  For years we had traveled in the same circles neither of us ever meeting each other or ever knowing of the other.  It was like we both orbited directly across from each other.  Only able to see the blinding sun between us.

She told me that I gave her her first orgasm.  She was raped in a stairwell when we first began to date.  I never knew until our marriage had imploded.  She told me that as he pushed into her into the wall he hurt her and she came in great urgency.  I can feel that wall as I write this.

We danced to the Happy Mondays Bob's Yer Uncle when our relationship was young.  She rode my cock to that song as though she were Sunny Garcia surfing down a steep tube.   We danced, laughed, and screamed
"He's gonna step on you again man he's gonna step on you!" as we came. There was a stain on the wall that I remember; I want that to be where he fucked her, in silence.  Her cries stifled.

When I decided to kill myself it was late at night.   I was 14.  I was watching NightLine.  The story was about a national convention of suicide doctors.  My dad and I did not get along.  He came home from Vietnam a stranger and although we walked in the same house we did not introduced until I was in my 20's.  When he walked in and screamed at me and the tv that night I snapped inside.  After it was quiet in the house I stopped crying.

When she went after me with the knife I moved my arm without a thought and knocked it from her hands.  Afterwards when she screamed at me that I was dirty little faggot and that I would surely die before God would allow me to spoil my child I fell into an asthma attack and lay there helpless on my back.  She is a great rending wound in my eye.  When I look that way pain takes my breath even now.

For months I went in and out of the hospital with a mysterious illness.  Some sort of unidentified virus ravaged my system.  My ears were ravished and from my swoon I often could not walk.  I spent weeks in wheelchairs finding myself a stranger in my school and a novelty among my friends.  I never stopped doubting that I somehow was making this happen.  I began to mistrust my mind, my instincts.  School was never the same after that.

When the police came to take her away it took several hours to talk her down out of her delusions but in the end she shed her clothes, her wild unbrushed mane sticking straight into the air, screaming and running through the apartment while our daughter sat on the couch and watched and I listened through the phone.  As we sat on the concrete patio at the neuro-psychiatric ward several weeks later she told me she was unhappy.  She said she loved me and wanted us to try again.  I said no.

Comments

[JB]

Do we only live to buy things? Not me anymore. Sorry.

[Jasmin J]

I try to kill myself million of time one time it almost work, when me and my boyfriend got into a huge fight and he was teling me i was never going to be nothing with out him and how he didnt care if i died or not. some one night i was sleeping all at this house and i drowned a bottle of prscribe med and some pain killers and advil all at the same time and mixed it wit some hard liquor and i felt my body gettin weak life less. just how he made me feel over and over again like i was lower then the dirt he walked on, and i just want to die and get over with it so he could be happy and so i could be dead and maybe he would move on and treat the nest woman way better then he every treat me. i always think about new ways to kill myself every single say that i walk and breath, cause either way i going to die in his abuse hand or me takin different type of meds and killing myself off.

[anton]

I Will Kill My Self...I HAVE NO FRIENDS AND NO BODY LIKES ME.....MY FATHER AND MOTHER DONT EVEN LOVE ME....I WILL DO THAT P.S IF YOU READ THAT COMMENT I AM DEAD........

[james]

I don't understand why someone with such poor writing skills as yours would want to present your thoughts to the world.

[Max]

im suicidal. it gets in the way of my life, my school, and everything ive worked so hard to achieve. im completely alone and i dont really have anyone who knows the real me. recently, my freinds have all deserted me. Ive destroyed my safety net and I want to die, ive tried realizing how beautiful life is for the last 10 years. But im a windowshopper to these "beautiful" experiences everyone else is having. I really just want someone to talk to. someone to share my story with. someone who will listen and not judge me for my mistakes. This is how i feel, and im a product of the life ive lived. I cant help it. please just hear me out.

[Max]

so if someone out there needs a freind who wont judge them, who will listen, and who will be there for them. please e-mail me. at maxscottf22@yahoo.com I really need somebody right now..i really just dont know what to do with myself.

[Zoe]

Please can somebody help me?
I'm 26 and I have no life outside of my boyfriend who I've been with for 10 years. We own a house together, have pets and share the same friends. He went away on friday because he said he needs space and time to figure out if he wants to be with me, but if he comes back and tells me it's over, I don't know what will happen to me. My world revolves around him, what am I supposed to do? Since we were 16 we've been in this bubble of happiness and a year ago he was diagnosed with depression and we've been fighting for us ever since. He is the most gentle, caring person you could want to meet and I have nothing without him. Our friends and his family are turning against me because they think I've done this to him. My tiny family of just my mum and sister are manhaters and are insisting he's cheating on me. I feel like I'm slipping away. I can't eat or do anything and I'm alone

[reena]

I feel life has become a burden. I shout. I wake up with past memories. negative feelings. heavy heart. no motivation to do my work. My husband did not touch me for 4 years. why am I living?

[Zoe]

I wrote that message which starts "Please can somebody help me?" on February 22nd. It's been 3 weeks since he left and I don't know who I am anymore. I have good days and bad days. Today was okay. I live alone now in our house, we are going to sell it when it's the right time. All of his stuff is in the spare room behind a closed door, but sometimes I go in and sit with it. It feels like my stuff as much as it is his. I want to get somewhere new, where I don't feel this lonely. I miss him so much I can't breathe and some mornings I have panic attacks that usually end in me being sick and passing out. I can't stop hearing his voice as he told me he doesn't love me anymore. I understand now what it's like to have your heart broken. My worst fear came true. I want to die but something is telling me I can't, this is happening for a reason. I don't know why I posted again. I just wanted you to know I'm not dead. I'm trying really hard to hold on.

[Cristina]

Well, hello everyone. I don't even know how to start this. I had an abortion 3 years, 2 months and 10 days ago and I tried to kill myself a week after I killed my baby. The doctors gave me some strong pills for the pain and I had them all together. I just remember falling asleep while driving and then something (or someone) woke me up right before I crashed into a big wall. Then I got home and slept for over 30 hours. When I woke up I found out that I had stood up all the way to the restroom to vomit, so it was all full of puke. I don't remember what happened during those 30 hours but I'm sure that there was someone with me, an angel and that angel took care of me. It just wasn't my time. Several months after that I met this great guy. He and I had the best summer of our lives together but in August he was going to study abroad for a semester. One month after he left, we broke up. I was really sad after this and when he came back I tried talking to him and we went out twice but it just wasn't the same anymore.

The next summer I met an extraordinary man. I went to work to a university at Washington, DC just for the summer and he and I worked at the same lab. We immediately got along great. We started dating 5 days after we met and we had an amazing summer together promising to each other that we would wait for each other for until we could see each other again. I left DC in August 2007 and he came to my hometown in December and we spent 12 amazing days together. Then he left and came back in April for my cousins wedding and then during the summer of 2008 I got the university in DC to hire me again and we lived together during the entire summer. If you would have been there, you would have seen how happy I was and how much my life resembled a fairy tale at that moment. Of course by then we had talked about spending our lives together, he had met my family and I had met his and everything was great. He was going to wait for me to finish college and after that, we were going to get married. After the summer we said goodbye with tears in our eyes and promises in our mouths and hearts. He then came to visit me for my birthday in October and it was as if we had never said goodbye. After that I got him a ticket to come visit me again for New Years Eve. Everything was great, while we weren't together, we talked on the webcam and emailed each other everyday, it was like a dream. Of course we had our little fights now and then but nothing too serious and nothing that our love couldn't solve, until one day we had a fight and he played poker (he had been an addict to that game before we met and he promised me he would never play again) so I broke up with him. Two weeks later I sent him an email telling him that I wanted to talk about things and then he called me telling me I was too important for him to let me go. So we talked about it and two weeks later, (late december 2008) he told me that he couldn't be with someone that could so easily break up with him, so he broke up with me and didn't come to see me for New Years. One month later I texted him saying "I miss you a so much" and he and I talked a lot and decided we would be friends for a while to see if we could work it out and we got to a point where we started saying I love you again and talking everyday on the webcam. He then said he wanted to spend Valentines with me, so that he was going to try to come for that special date. And then so many things happened and he broke my heart again in February 6 and we didn't speak until I sent him a package with the promise ring he had given me and a letter telling him how much I still love him but that I now know that it was over between us. He and I have talked twice after February 6 and he told me that he didn't open the package because he was too afraid to find a hate letter in it and I told him that it was more of a love letter because I had ended it with an "I love you" and he said he wasn't gonna read it until he feels like he's ready.

I don't know what to do anymore. That letter was my last chance on trying to get to talk to him again and have him see that I am a good person, despite what I have done in the past, but right now, when I think about it, I just wish I could die in a way that wouldn't hurt my family, but I realize that it is impossible and I have to stay in this world even though I would only stay for them.

I don't think I could ever get married and have a baby and look into those babies eyes and not think about the baby that I killed 3 years, 2 months and 10 days ago. I want to kill myself but I am trapped. Maybe if i made it look like an accident my family wouldn't suffer that much.

I need a friend right now. The ones that I have doesn't know anything about my past and I don't want them to judge me because they don't know the reasons why I did what I did. I love kids. And everytime I see one, I think of the one that I killed and I still cry every night to sleep, it's horrible.

Please, if someone wants to be my friend, email me, my email is ana.chistin@gmail.com

Good bye

[4goneconclusion]

reading all these stories it's good to think I'm not alone but that doesn't want to make me kill myself any less. I read a lot about knives, pills, cutting etc. I couldn't do that. Too long, too much time to have a second thought and reach for 911 before you really die. I have a gun. On a daily basis i have recurring thoughts about using it on myself. I'd go to a quiet, empty park and 'solve the great riddle' as my friend used to say. I don't like these thoughts and i wish they didn't come but they do, endlessly, like non-stop sometimes. I get tired, worn down, wave after wave of suicidal ideations. I thought i was i strong, i've been whittled down, eroded.
I feel like a crazy person most of the time, seriously, because i know that having these thoughts as much as I do is not healthy. People ask ,'what are thinking' or what not. I can't tell them. How do I tell my friends or family when asked what i did last night, that I thought about killing myself, how I would do it, when, where, all these tiny details until about 3 in morning? Funny thing is I don't even want to die. I just don't know how to live. I want to be happy, not eek by, just barely making it. I look at people, that, for argue sake are happy, with families, lots of dough, awesome house, best job etc. and I get so envious. Don't get me wrong, I have no ill-will towards them, those people are my friends and family. I wonder HOW! How do they do it and not me, why am I thinking about eating a bullet while getting ready to meet my friends for a 'guys night out'? Why do I think about whether or not my step-mom and father's relationship will end in divorce after i blow my head off 10 minutes before work, or before a holiday dinner, a party. Why is it after 6 in the morning (west coast time) and I'm reading and writing to these sites (this isn't the first time) unable to sleep because i want to shoot myself just to end the exhausting, relentless, horrific thoughts I have of hurting myself? A therapist once told me that "suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem", over and over I heard this. But what if you're 'temporary problem' lasts 15 years or so. That's half my life. That doesn't feel too temporary. What do you do when life sucks? When, on a daily basis we all suffer such indignities, injustices and horrible abuses from people we love and trust. Where is the will? Where is compassion?

[forevergone]

I have felt so alone for so many years, it would be my final and only wish not to die alone, but i just cant do this anymore, people tell me to get help, but i know im beyond this, im not sick, im just ina different mind-set. i believe in fate, everyone's fate is different, yet it is already chosen for them. It has taken 5 long years for me to finally accept mine, im so sorry i have failed you all