filchyboy

Yah! - Buraka Som Sistema feat. Petty

Mapei

Injuries

I have been hurting myself continuously since I was a boy. Perhaps it is messed up but I kind of see injuries as validation that you are doing things right. Now sure I know that you don't want to get too hurt. After all if you are too hurt you can't have any fun at all. But there seems to be a correlation between minor injury and pushing oneself to be better. Perhaps that is me justifying my clumsiness in order to make myself feel less "bad" about hurting myself. Whatever the case I have kept a weekly injury since I was about 8 years old. This weeks: Right foot mangled. Two toes possibly broken. Jammed entire foot. Bruising. Soreness. Using crutches as the swelling is bad enough that I can't really put weight down on it. Am encouraged by the rate of healing. Have been concentrating on stretching the foot and placing weight on it. Results positive. 4 days into this and I feel confident the worst is over. This reminds of the two times before I have broken my big toes but it's much easier. Right thumb still tweaked. Much better than last weak but still weak and painful at junctures. Good news is the left thumb has finally healed from the dislocation last month and feels as strong as ever. Toe on left foot still recovering. Good but slow progress. Same with middle finger left hand. Am kind of bummed at present as my right foot injury precludes play. But am happy I get this time to rest and heal up. As always I'll be back for more later. I never seem to stop.

Anger

Today has been really tough. I have been tangentially involved in several different disputes in several different communities recently. I'm not really involved in any of it except that I know those involved. It's like a big emotional confrontation takes place and I am stuck in the room unable to excuse myself. For the first time in many years I thought seriously about moving away.

I know that is a stupid response. But I am just so tired of the emotional conflicts. I am so tired of not having a soul to share with. I am so tired of feeling as though none of this is for me.

I know the path forward involves being true to myself. It involves really embracing my strengths and totally accepting my faults. All of which is hard. Really truly hard.

I really hope she gets better soon. The fact that I am injured right now doesn't help. I just looking forward to months of things breaking against me finally let's up for a bit.

And right I know none of this makes sense. This is another thing I have been struggling with. When the cops showed up it changed everything for me. And in all of this I miss her.